Bro All Stars

In the spirit of the All Star Game on Tuesday, I have spent days compiling a list of Bros worthy of being placed on the inaugural and prestigious Bro All Star team. You got that right Joe Reader, not just one bro, but 9 bros...Well isn't it your lucky day. As always when dealing with bro-factor, playing ability is never considered.

Jim Edmonds: Veteran Bro, he was chosen to lead the younger bros, and to teach them ways to increase overall bro-ocity. He will act in a role of player-coach in order to control the amount of bro on the field. Yes, he will have plenty of extra Oakleys, Pukka Shells, and wrist bands for the bros to grab before they go onto the field.

Eric Byrnes: Truly the next legendary bro, his combination of tool and jackass is really unprecedented. Eric will be called upon to man the flow inspection team and to make sure all the players have the best cliches prepared for pre and post game interviews. It is only a matter of time before Byrnes is inducted to the Bro Hall of Fame is Coobrostown.

Brian Wilson: A young reliever for the Giants really came on strong towards the end of voting. Wilson possesses a truly gnarly soul patch and some sick tats. A source tells me he is known to say "hang loose" as well as saying "amped" and "stoked" to describe being excited.

Tim Lincecum: Sick Flow.

Jason LaRue: His penchant for facial hair experiments makes him a lock for this team. He also demonstrates that he has a sneaky good flow. However, his true value to this team is his jackass-itude, which is truly unparalleled in baseball. I really hate him, thus he becomes a leading bro.

Sean Casey: Ultimate Positive Bro. He brings excessive use of "dude" which is completely necessary for a Bro All Star team. Plus he pretends to be everyone's best friend, which is an underrated and under-valued characteristic of bros around the world.

Ronnie Belliard: Qualifies under the accessories statute, I have never seen a player with so many playing accessories; dew rag, necklaces, wrist bands, high socks, corn rows, and even mismatched batting gloves. Plus his all around devil may care attitude truly entitles him to the rank of Bro-Star.

Khalil Greene: If the name is not enough, his hair will surely convince avid Bro watchers. He is also from Key West and a flat-brimmer, which are both bro-tastic characteristics. Really a forgotten bro due to the fact he dwells in the land of Bro in San Diego. His parents were hippies, done and done.

Kosuke Fukudome: Simply, the Bat Flip...unmatched.


You're Welcome Stockholm.

Neighbors from the North

I love Rich Harden, in fact some could say I have a hard on for Harden. However, all puns aside his acquisition brings up a major problem for the Cubs starting rotation...

We now have two Canadian starting pitchers!

This is almost as bad as wearing white after Labor Day. I certainly hope Jim Hendry knows that he did not go with John McDougnah to the Blackhawks, because this is a potential disaster. Next thing we know Harden and Dempster will be wearing their Royal Canadian Mounted Police uniforms on road trips and attempting to ride their horses to Wrigley Field. I have already conferred with my source at the Wrigley Field bike check, and no they cannot handle horses. Have you ever seen a horse poop? This is a disaster waiting to happen.

One of my main concerns is these Canucks attempting to pass along their culture to their teammates. I can only pray that the Cubs do not lose focus in September, because Team Canada has gotten them so riled up about NHL training camp. Also, a potentially damning omen could be the increased usage of "eh" in the clubhouse. Mike Fontenot has a very impressionable mind and I don't need him saying eh and and guzzling Labatts.

In conclusion, we have a terrible problem on our hands, soon the Cubs dugout will serve strictly Clearly Canadian water, while the clubhouse menu will consist of only pancakes and Canadian bacon. However, rest assured Cubs fan, the team will be sporting grizzly beards and wearing flannel. Quite frankly, I find nothing wrong with that, but Wayne Messmer better not fucking sing Oh Canada.

And we're back...

Sorry for the delay, but the last two weeks were reserved for the annual Catcher's Interference fishing trip. Many questions can be formed out of that last sentence... first, the blog has been around for only a month -- is it really time for vacation? Well, the short answer is no, and the long answer is that your humble authors are college students who tend to spend their precious free moments binge drinking and making awkward sexual advances towards uninterested females instead of blogging. However, we are back and debatably better than ever. And to invigorate the blog we are going to start with a doozie. So,without further a do.....

Likes and Dislikes

Likes

Geovany Soto: Not only the first rookie all star catcher in National League history, but already has the most home runs by a Cubs rookie since 1983. Most importantly, he has proven he is not averse to experimenting with all sorts of facial hair, which is essential for any legitimate catcher.

Tennis: If you, Joe Blogreader did not see the Nadal-Federer match this morning it is highly recommended to catch a replay or at least the highlights. Unbelievable tennis and athletics, this has the potential to become a legendary rivalry, only if anyone in America cared. Even if Nadal's "shants" still look stupid.

Fishing: Even if there wasn't actually a CI fishing trip, it remains a highly recommended relaxation technique. Anything that combines beer, boats and bros is OK in my book. Just ask Cedric Benson.

Fireworks: Is there a bigger "Fuck you, we're America" display than fireworks on Independence Day? I say no, what is more American than saying "lets celebrate freedom by blowing a bunch of shit up". It is really shocking that that phrase is not in the Declaration of Independence. Personally, Independence Day really makes me want to smack around a British guy.

Bikes: For purposes of full disclosure, I hate working out, but I fucking love bike riding. Not only is it exercise, but it is awesome. What I really love about it is the unintentional comedy of showing up somewhere unexpectedly on a bike. "Yo can I get a ride?" "Fuck you I rode my bike".

Tandem Bikes: Hilarious.

Dislikes

Canada Day: What the FUCK did Canada ever do to deserve a day to celebrate their country? Seriously, what did they do? Have they ever done anything? If you can find a significant Canadian moment feel free to contact me at president@canadaisworthless.org.

Rick Ankeil: Apparently he can get away with HGH use. Fucking Cheater.

Online Speak: I really hate LOL, LMAO, and their ilk. Most simply, because I am not adept enough to know what most of them mean. I find myself in an "online conversation" and/or "text message" exchange and I have to google a five letter acronym. Please save me time, just type it out. On a more theoretical level, are we robots? What happened to the beauty of language? This coming from the guy who has used "fuck" at least 6 times in this post, but my point still stands.

Yankees-Red Sox: Maybe it is my midwest bias, but I cannot think of a more used up rivalry in sports. There is no loyalty on either side, these guys are pawns, they don't give a shit about who they are playing. Seriously, A-Rod is more focused on putting a rod in Madonna.

Ryan Ludwick: Future John Mabry.

That's all for now, folks. Good day.

Bro of the Week II

One of the most important lessons of Bro-ology is that there are positive bros, or more simply put: posi-bros. One of the best examples of the posi-bro species is University of Georgia shortstop Gordon Beckham. Beckham combines three key posi-bro qualities: hair, accent, and bat flip.

Before delving into these features, we must first establish the key difference between the Northern Bro and the Southern Bro. Both can range on the scale of poose to rog, unfortunately most tend towards rog, but the pooses make up for their rog brethren. However, the key differences between the two lies within sports. The No-Bros play lacrosse (sometimes paired with soccer) while So-Bros almost exclusively play football and baseball, which make them inherently more acceptable. The No-Bro festers in the Northeast, mainly Connecticut and Massachusetts. You can find them in polo shirts, wielding lacrosse sticks, and sporting Ray-Ban wayfarers. While in the South they will be wearing generally the same polos, but sporting Costa Del Mar sunglasses with croakies -- this remains a vital separation.

What makes the So-Bro so great are all the factors that Gordon Beckham demonstrates. First, the hair. He models both key components to bro-ocity: the sweep and the flow. The sweep is the move all self respecting So-Bros pull off with ease, consisting of bangs combed over the forehead finished with a violent sweep to give them the perfect part. What is truly phenominal about the sweep is the resiliancy it shows under dirress. Gordon's sweep stays perfectly in place even after wearing a cap and/or helmet just as Ross Wilson of Two-a-Days demonstrated. The second hair must is the flow, which is the hair that comes out of the back of the hat or helmet. Beckham has an unparalleled balance between sweep and flow, making him the ulti-bro. The only flow better than ole Gordon, is his teammate Josh Fields...simply bro-fect.

If the hair were not enough to award Beckham Bro honors, his accent would certainly seal the deal. He perfects the "aww shucks" twang, while keeping enough street cred to make the public believe he still kills deer for fun. This is a underrated bro feature, all bros must carry themselves as such. A true bro must"talk the talk and walk the walk".

What clinches him as a positive bro, is his bat flip after home runs. I would consider it similar to a Derrek Lee, understated but still an expression of true bro-tacity. When a bro hits a home run he knows it, and Gordon Beckham has demonstrated that he has the innate ability to recognize when a bat flip is appropriate. Overall, Beckham certainly deserves kudos for his overall demeanor on and off the field. We here at Catcher's Interference proudly present this award to Gordon and wish him the best of luck trying to get traded out of the White Sox organization.

How Dare You, Ozzie!

As many of our readers know, Jim Edmonds hit 2 home runs in the 4th inning yesterday against the White Sox. It was great, good for him, good for the Cubs. Truly an amazing feat, and I am glad the guy who plays centerfield for the Cubs is beginning to hit. However, after the game Ozzie Guillen, a.k.a. the worst manager in baseball, was asked about Edmonds and....

"He just had a good day," Guillen said. "I don't want to promote the guy who's hitting .218 (sic). He just had a good day. Good for them. I'd rather have him out there than Soriano. Believe me, I do. … Jim is not going to scare me. I will pitch to him any time. He just hit another couple of home runs. Good for him."

First of all, Ozzie Guillen has no idea what he is talking about. He took John Danks out on Friday when he had given up one run and was baffling Cub hitters, for Octavio Dotel. Fuck Ozzie, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that the Cubs kill Dotel and you don't put a guy with a straight fastball in against Lee and Ramirez. Second of all, he cannot talk shit about Jim Edmonds, I am the ONLY one who can talk shit about Edmonds.

I feel like my imaginary little brother that I hate just got beat up by the generic grade school bully. Yeah, my imaginary little brother is a shithead and I like to pound him on occasion, but what right does that give the generic grade school bully to do so? Now insert Jim Edmonds and Ozzie Guillen into the two starring roles of this hypothetical situation. Yeah Jim Edmonds loses games on purpose and owns a pukka shell necklace, but Ozzie had no right to talk down to him.

Please, lets not get confused -- I still do not like Jim Edmonds, but that's not whats important. What is important is that Ozzie Guillen is the generic grade school bully who is insecure, ugly, and has an awkward mustache. The only reason Guillen has a job is that the team Kenny Williams put together in 2005 somehow clicked, despite the idiotic managing by Oz. Nobody has milked a single World Series longer since Bob Brenly. I hope somebody kicks Ozzie in the shin.

Same guy?

Barack Obama = Carlos Marmol

Can't Fool Me!

So how about this Tiger Woods guy? Talk about coming out of nowhere. He truly entered the golf scene out of oblivion to beat established legends Rocco Mediate and DJ Trahan in dramatic fashion. Who would've ever thought a kid like him would be able to win a big tournament like this! It will go down as one of the biggest upsets in sports history. That being said, I think this kid is a fluke, I mean he just got lucky. I heard he had played Torrey Pines a few times in his life, and that's bullshit.

Go ahead and put him in the record books with Rich Beem, Shaun Micheel and Ben Curtis as a golfing one hit wonder. This guy just doesn't hit it far enough or make enough clutch putts to be anything in golf, not even to mention his lack of focus. I know his victory was impressive, but lets not put him on the Chi Chi Rodriguez mantle quite yet.

On top of it all, he is going to be out all year with some cooked up knee injury. To me it sounds like he is avoiding competition, trying to milk this one victory for the rest of his career. Even if this "injury" is for real, there is no chance he will ever be able to duplicate the week of his life. His game is not that good to begin with. The guy is already over 30 -- way past his prime. maybe he can use that Stanford education for something productive.

Also, he looked quite ethnic. We all know that you have to be an old white man to be a good golfer, so the common golf fan will never ever get behind him. Jeez, I can't imagine what would happen if he ever qualified for the Masters.